Most of us simply talk too much. James 1:19 (NIV) says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
You may think you’re already a good listener. But there’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is simply the vibrations that take place in your ear. Listening is how you decode those vibrations in your brain. Many times I’ve heard my wife, my kids, or someone at the church say something – but I didn’t listen.
Listening is a skill. And if you’re going to be in relationships, you better develop it. It’s developed through practice, desire, attention, and by simply wanting to become a good listener. Here are four tips to becoming a better listener.
1. Withhold judgment and criticism from the start.
Don’t evaluate until you’ve heard and comprehended it all. I’ll admit that this isn’t natural. When someone else is talking and you hear something you disagree with, you’re tempted to say, “Time out! Stop right there! Let’s deal with this.” And you never get any further. But you need to hear the person out.
Many times people come to you and just need to unload. Take the time to understand what they’re saying first.
Proverbs 18:13 (NIV) says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” When we answer before listening, we’re usually basing our answer on faulty assumptions.
Don’t be distracted by mannerisms or personality. Whenever we listen to somebody who is not presenting what they’re sharing very well, it’s our responsibility to decode what they’re saying. Stop and say, “What’s the content and what can I learn from this?”
2. Keep calm.
Don’t become defensive. In any relationship you will eventually do something stupid. That opens you up to criticism. The only way not to be criticized is to do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. The moment you hang your shingle out, somebody’s going to throw rocks at it.
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” If you’re patient, you’re wise. As a disciple of Christ, you need to be patient with people who are less mature and those who misjudge. You need to keep calm.
3. Be an active listener.
You become a good listener by asking creative questions. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” This verse says the real meaning of people is down inside of them. A man of understanding will be able to draw others out with questions.
How do you do that? Ask clarifying questions, such as: Who? What? When? How? Questions like that will draw out those you are listening to and let them know you have their attention.
4. Paraphrase and summarize.
To be a good listener you must be able to tell a person what they’ve just told you before you talk about what you need to talk about. Before you share your side of the story, you need to let the other person know you understand where he or she is coming from. Paraphrase what they’ve said back to them. That skill can be very helpful in marriage, child-rearing, family politics, baseball team meetings or group meetings in particular.
(The source for this article is from The Pastor’s Toolbox by Rick Warren)