A surprising emotion I am dealing with in my burnout recovery is guilt. I expected depression, moodiness, and a strong desire to be by myself. But guilt? I’m the one hurting, why should I feel guilt?
I am feeling guilt for a couple of reasons. First, I feel guilt because being open about my burnout makes me feel like I am whining. I feel like that I should just cowboy up and deal with it. A lot of other people deal with far more stressful situations than me. Why should I be the whiner and say “Woe is ME?”
I have that drill sergeant in the GEICO commercial in my head, “You know what my problem is, you! Quit that whining, you jack wagon!” Somehow, though, I think “cowboying” up would be unwise in this situation. I think I would just stuff it in and then I’ll have to deal with it later on.
The second reason I feel guilt is I feel like a failure at times. As a minister, well, me as a minister, I have dreams for the people I speak too week in and week out. I have dreams of them finding a mighty and powerful God. I see them growing in the Lord. I see the broken pieces of their lives being made whole. I pray for them. I –gasp!- worry over them. And when I don’t perceive the progress that I want to see- then I wonder if God is really using me.
Now don’t comment and say to me, “God is using you. yada, yada, yada.” Thank you if you thought about doing that. While that encourages me it will not heal me. I need to be more in tune with God on these issues and not on the praises of men. It comes down to that I need to learn to be satisfied with the exposition and the sharing of God’s word for it’s own sake. This is the calling God has given me.
Look at the prophets. People tried to kill them and the people they preached too outright rejected God. Why did they preach? Simply because God called them to do it. I want be in that same place.
So what I am to do with this guilt? I plan on using it as a thorn to make me more dependent on God.